Sunday, March 7, 2010

Strongly Obstinate

Brittany Marie.
It really is ironic how a persons name defines them.
Brittany means strong.
Marie according to most means bitter. I would agree that looking at my weakness in life I deal with a lot of heavy bitterness towards a lot of people.
However, I heard somewhere that a deeper meaning to Marie is stubborn or obstinate.
As I shake my head and laugh, I choose that my name means "Strongly Obstinate"
If we were to define that by literal definition it would read something like this:
"especially able, competent, or powerful in a specific field or respect and not easily controlled or overcome"
I look at a name that means strongly obstinate and I can agree that I am emotionally stronger than a lot of people, and I am very obstinate, sometimes in the negative aspect but I try to use it for good.
Strongly Obstinate.
Brittany Marie.
I see that and I wonder.
"Why is someone with foundation like that having such a hard time finding their place?"

Something has been on my heart a lot lately and I feel like maybe if I just write about it, that it will be less bothersome. Honestly I just have had a lot of trouble recently and even in past months with figuring out how to be me in the surroundings that I have been in. I guess maybe the best way to begin to explain this is to list the things that I am and then the things that I am not and go from there.

  • I am quiet. When it comes to talking within a group of people, I hate it. I have plenty to say, I love talking to the people that I am close with and usually those conversations are not petty and are deep. For the most part I am quiet girl.
  • I am a deep conversationalist. Which is why I think I am so quiet usually. I really don't like talking about shallow things. I love deep conversations and I feel so fulfilled after wards. Deep conversation really makes me feel loved and so connected to that person. I hate everyday shallow stuff, its just not worth it to me.
  • I am a one on one kind of girl. I absolutely love one on one time with someone. I don't even have to be extremely close to someone, if we have some one on one time, I feel even closer to them and really appreciate it.
  • I am a thinker. I think about everything! This sometimes gets me into trouble but saves me in a lot of situations as well. I think about a lot. Life, Relationships, Dreams, Failures. I am a thinker.
  • I am sensitive. Highly sensitive. Again, this sometimes is a negative but a nice positive.
  • I am an observer. I notice a lot of things that most people don't. Really I do. I thought that everyone was on the same observation level as I but I found out quickly that I really just notice a lot of tiny overlooked things.
  • I am a loner. And not in like an "aw poor baby" sense, but I don't mind being alone, I like the peace and solitude.
Now lets look at what I am not-essentially the opposite of the other list.

Not Me
  • I am not loud. I never feel the need to be heard in a group. Unless asked in order to be listened to, I am not very good at or enjoy adding to large group discussions. I don't have much of a sanguine side. Again I have a lot to say but I just don't fit the chatty Cathy mold.
  • I am not into chit chat. I really do have a hard time with it. I never know what to say, and hate what often turns into "one up" discussions. I really am uncomfortable with it for myself.
  • I am not a groupie. This is definitely one of my weakness' that seems to be tripping me up the most right now. I really hate large groups of people. I am not a people person. I used to think it was rude say that but its the truth. I know how to interact with people and social etiquette but there is a difference in that and being a social butterfly. I get very overwhelmed and have anxiety like traits when groups get to be too much. Not a fan.
  • I am not mindless. Like I said I am a major thinker, so I hate doing anything aimlessly.
  • I am not able to easily not take things personal.
  • I am not able to ignore detail.
  • I am not a social butterfly. This one was kind of covered already but really, its tough for me, I can handle it for a short period of time, but then I need to go away or go to my one on one mode and re-fuel.
Unfortunately the things that I am can be mistaken for a lack of concern and care for the people around me. Lately I just feel like I am being asked to be the things which in fact I am not. I am not sure how to meet the needs of the people that need me to be what I am not. And even further, its not even that they want what I am not, they ask for who I am yet when I try and be me, it gets corrected. Mostly because who I am looks like I don't care. And I do. Or I would have moved on a long time ago.
I just don't know how to balance it all. Trying to be someone that is not me is straining and miserable yet being me is giving off the wrong impression.
I like me, I think its cool that I am different. I am finding that out. I am just plain different. I don't think the same as most, I don't do the same as most. I am not most. And that's ok. Except when its taken wrong.
Do I just be me and throw off the judgements of those not understanding?
Do I be everything they want me to be so they are satisfied?
I hope not the latter. I have done that enough in my life.
Well I have to cut this short. Thanks for accepting me completely as I am, thats why you are reading this! Any suggestions would be helpful.

To Jonathan Harrell: I noticed that we really are polar opposites in making the lists. Thats ok with me. When you are with me, you make up for everything I lack and I for you.
Thats why we are perfect.

Thanks guys.
Love you.

1 comment:

  1. Brittany, I am reminded once again as I read this how similar you and I are in some ways. Heh. I've been struggling with this as well. Introversion sometimes looks like exclusion. There aren't always deep conversations to be had, and not liking small talk sometimes looks like just being unfriendly.

    I'll tell you the little bit God's shown me about this dilemma so far.

    He's reminded me that He likes who I am, and that being an introvert and a one-on-one kind of person is not a sin. Heh. He doesn't want me to change who I am to please others. However He may occasionally want me to adapt to please *Him*. It should never be motivated by what others think.

    Now, telling the difference between when God wants me to adapt and not... that's the part I have no idea about yet.

    Figuring out who you are and how you can be you in all your circumstances is... interesting. I'll be praying for you. I love you a lot. And I love all these things about you. :-)